never play flip cup with pint glasses
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
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