My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
