Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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