hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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