filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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