my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
