With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
