i'm lost and i look like a hooker
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
