Too much gin, very little bucket
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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