He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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