no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
