I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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