Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
