I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
You have to summon your inner elephant
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
