Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Randomize
