he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
