its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
