I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
