I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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