im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
