He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
