I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
