All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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