I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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