Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
