I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
You're a waste of cheezeits
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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