I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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