the new term for farting is butt boxing.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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