Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
