It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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