How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
