If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Randomize
