All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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