The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
