yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Randomize
