I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I wanna passion pit in your ass
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
