This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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