I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I can't put those talents on a resume
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
