its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
