i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
i just sent this text using only my big toe
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
