who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I just gift wrapped bread.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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