It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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