i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
