Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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