All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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