What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I need moral support for this bender
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
