So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
