remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
