Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
