I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
