This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
