Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
