Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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