Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
