Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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